the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
