I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
