Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
