hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
