I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
