I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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