Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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