If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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