I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
