she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
