Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
