I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
