he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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