Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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