Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
