This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
