Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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