Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
