if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
