At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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