Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
