i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
