there's paper in my vomit.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
