It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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