Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
