you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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