Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't deserve a penis
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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