her vagine was all disorganized.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
