your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
