I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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