I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
