This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
