Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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