did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
