I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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