I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She's the barista slut.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
