He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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