I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
