She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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