I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My pussy is not your playground.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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