I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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