low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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