the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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