Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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