I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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