just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
