Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
