Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
