i wish my penis had a tongue
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Drunk is not a location!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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