god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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