I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't turn off my feet"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
