i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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