we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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