First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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