if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
